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how many times must the same nightmare occur for it to become a reality? 

been having the same reoccurring nightmares lately, and i wake up every single time feeling uncertain and scared. this is not good, im scared one day, the nightmare will come true and then maybe, this is all but a dream. and the nightmare is the real reality. insecurities seem to only haunt you when you sleep, they are my freddy krueger.

this can go either way.

1) my dissertation kills me.

2) i kill my dissertation.

the obvious option is TO KILL MY DISSERTATION. I NEED TO KILL MY DISSERTATION. THIS IS MY LAST CHANCE!

how hard can that be? seriously, except for all the procrastination, NOTHING CAN BRING ME DOWN! well, maybe not nothing, some things still can bring me down.

on the hand, i cant wait for summer to be here. 2013 summer cant come any faster.

 

ps. i miss you so much, it hurts.

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im not a fan of flowers, but i still like them. and if i have to choose a favourite, its peonies. dont ask me why, but it just the way peonies are that makes me like them. kind of like a lotus. and if lotus isnt related to guanyinma, i would really love the lotus too. having said that, i havent seen a peony up close yet, so my mission for 2013 while i am still in london (because it’s much easier to get peonies here than in sg), would be to get myself peonies. just for the heck of it (:

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the reason why i love grey’s. and also why a person like derek shephard might only be real in a tv drama.

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2012 has been great, it had its ups and downs but most importantly it was shared with family and friends. nothing much i could ask for. 2013 is going to be better, filled with more love and happiness. a new start for everything. this year is my year, quite literally (:

i miss my mummy, and i wish she could be here, with me. i wish i can do her proud, and thank her enough for what she has done for us.

last friday, somebody passed away, in school. as highly unlikely as it was, it happened. i havent seen a body before, never thought that i would be traumatised or anything by it, but it did affect me in the slightest way. that poor guy wasnt even prepared for it, he might be on the way home, or on his way to get coffee, it was so sudden. his family wasnt even there with him, they did not even have a chance to say their goodbyes, he did not even have a chance to have his last words. that last phone call he made, was it to his loved ones? i always knew life was fragile, but i didnt know it was that fragile, you cant even prepare yourself for it. for the unpredictability of life, death is always certain.

i guess i never really knew how to deal with death, since my last encounter of it, i was still so young. and i hope that it will be a looooooooooong looooooong time before i have to deal with death again.

for the poor guy that passed away last friday, i am sorry, i am sorry you did not get to see your loved ones, i am sorry you had to pass away so uncomfortably, i am sorry you had to go. i may not have known you, but im sure in my 2 years in school, we would have passed each other, in one way or another. so now, i wish you well, wherever you are.

in my third year, every thing is going so fast and yet so slow. i cant seem to have enough time to read and absorb my readers and on the other hand, i cant wait to get just get over it already and graduate.

think my brain is quite filled up these days with current school work, future school work and dissertation, and possibilities of my future which i am still so uncertain of. i dont know, channeling positive energy as much as i can nowadays. not an easy thing considering i am quite a skeptic myself. but I CAN DO IT! (the CAN-DO ATTITUDE! im trying to psych myself as much as possible)

im starting to observe my surroundings a little more these days, i realised there will be quite a number of things i will miss about london. the shopping definitely, the squirrels i see randomly, roses and sunflowers by the road, the cold, the buildings, the animated public transport (even though its irritating at times), little of this and little of that. yes, i will miss london.

 

wish you were here, then i thought you probably wish i was there. and i wish i was there too.

 

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i kind sorta miss london. my last year here, going to embrace everything in this short time frame i have. work hard, be good.

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